Gravy and Grief
I’ve been noticing some things about the big American specific holidays, namely the 4th of July and Thanksgiving (I’m not ready to talk about Juneteenth and Columbus Day). Namely, that I have this weird gratitude/grief mix that overwhelms me. The easiest thing to do is to scroll on my phone and hope that someone has put my feelings into words that I can click, share, and feel better. It doesn’t work. But I have noticed that other people seem to be feeling the same thing, so misery loves company. Not a great way to spend a holiday.
Recently (and thankfully before Thanksgiving), I listened to this podcast and realized I needed to find the thing behind the thing. The thing behind my doomscrolling was being overwhelmed by anger and feeling out of control. The feeling behind my anger and out of control-ness was grief. I was grieving my country. Grieving what I thought my country should be, and wasn’t, and grieving what it felt like my country used to be, and now wasn’t. In an interesting turn, I was holding (and understood) the MAGA mentality: How do we make America great again, and why wasn’t America great anymore?
I had a reality check during a prayer meeting (you can read about that here), realizing first that God has it under control. All of it. I don’t have to come swoop in and save the day: and neither does my country. Also: I needed to grieve the fact that my country is doing things that are blatantly unjust, and that will be judged by God. I know on the outside, to many people, it looks like I don’t like my country. I have been speaking out about things my country is doing. I stand with James Baldwin on this, that “I love America more than any other country in the world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually."
The thing behind the thing is that I am heartbroken, because my country is moving in idolatrous, dangerous directions: claiming God in many godless and even anti-god decisions. And while I am decently good at ignoring my country at times, I am not good at ignoring the people I have grown up with and love. 70-80% of them (white American Evangelicals) voted/supported this change. Many of them actively and aggressively speaking for the current president and his policies, and AGAINST the cautious critiques that I raise. When political disagreements arise, I often feel ignored/seen as ignorant (at best) or rejected/disowned (much worse). I’ve had my character and my Christianity called into question because I was not “Republican enough.”
Some days I am completely willing to watch my country go down in flames: but not the people. I haven’t been able to kill hope or grief enough to be willing to walk away from the people. And I am glad for that, because I strongly value holding on to people. In fact, I think it is part of my calling to love people well through disagreements (I know for sure all Christians are called to love well). I guess that means I’m going to have a lot of uncomfortable American holidays ahead. And that’s okay. I need to keep grieving my country, and the relationships affected by political disagreements.
If anyone is the same boat, I made a graphic during a different time I was going through a lot of grief. The Bible gives us this really great tool for processing grief: it’s called lament. I explain it by saying it is to complain, clarify, and connect: talk about it (rather than bottle it up), figure out what you need/don’t need to be able to move forward in a healthy way, and connect to God and truth about the situation. I hope this helps. Happy Thanksgiving, with all the gravy/gratefulness/grief.