The Conversation I Keep Having
A couple of months ago a guy wrote an article about how the time for winsomeness (like exemplified by Tim Keller) was over and it is time to go to war (I oversimplify). Then I read a critique of that critique. I’ve had this conversation multiple times, and it goes something like this: “Take a stand for what you believe Rachel: stop being so nice.”
There seems to be an underling feeling in a lot of Christians in America that they are being cancelled. That they are being silenced unfairly. Maybe even that they are being persecuted. Politicians are using apocalyptic rhetoric to call a state of emergency that goes something like this: “If we don’t _______, then America as we know it will be over.” They are pushing for doing whatever it takes. The buck stops here. The end justifies the means.
Maybe they are correct. And if so, does that mean that the rules have changed? That when Jesus spoke two thousand years ago, He just didn’t know how bad it was going to get? That those words, spoken in an ungodly, Roman occupied situation where Christians were literally killed and persecuted, don’t work anymore?
Along with feeling like the victim, many in American Christianity seem to think that we’ve allowed ourselves to be pushed around for long enough. That we’ve tried the whole “be nice” thing, and it didn’t work. Donald Trump Jr. put this sentiment into words well: “We’ve turned the other cheek, and I understand, sort of, the biblical reference — I understand the mentality — but it’s gotten us nothing. OK? It’s gotten us nothing while we’ve ceded ground in every major institution in our country.” We are called to be faithful, not effective.
Here are some things I’d like to point out:
Nice isn’t kind. Nice is defined as polite, pleasing, agreeable, appropriate, and fitting. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit: something we are scripturally called to do and be. I saw a church board say “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible” (Dalai Lama says the Internet?) The rules haven’t changed. We were never called to be nice, but we were called to be kind.
When truth and love are separated, neither one is either one. If your love isn’t telling the truth, it isn’t love. If your truth isn’t in love, it isn’t truth. This is what God does, and we are called to nothing less. Using “truth telling” to be unkind doesn’t work.
When I am kind, that isn’t me negating what I believe in, it is BECAUSE of what I believe in. I am amazed at how because I value and care for and love people who are a different religion, sexuality, color, political party, or nationality, it is assumed that I am not standing up for what I believe in. That I stand for nothing, or worse, agree with “them.”
Start with what you agree on, rather than what you disagree on. When you find common ground (which there is somewhere), it starts conversations. It starts friendships. It doesn’t mean I don’t disagree with them (spoiler: I don’t agree with anyone on everything. I really wish I did, because it would make marriage so. much. easier.)It just means we’ve established that even when we disagree—we can still be kind. And hopefully, we can still be friends.
Because of God, we can agree on some basic stuff. As Christians, we SHOULD agree on this basic stuff:
A. All humans have value. They have personhood and rights. As a Christian, I believe this is because we are all made in God’s image.
B. All humans are loved by God, and as a Christian, He calls me to love all humans as well.
If “Standing up for what’s right” negates one of these basic things, then it is not being done right. If your love and kindness means never disagreeing with people, well, honestly I don’t know how you do it—that sounds impossible to me. When did disagreeing with someone become the same thing as being unkind? Because of two things: one, some people are really mean about disagreeing, and two, some people equate disagreement as hate, even if it is not.
A person may take something you say as being unkind when you disagree even if you say it in kindness—but if day in and day out they’ve seen your heart for them, God’s love shining through, it is much less likely to happen. When my kids tell me I am mean for not giving them more candy: our relationship will survive that. God calls us to relationship, and in that relationship He teaches us truth, love, and kindness: the whole package. Let us go and do likewise. I do need to stand up for what is right, but I am not going to stop being kind about it.